Many of the infidelity therapists and betrayal counselors at the Miami Counseling & Resource Center specialize in working with therapy for infidelity for married or unmarried couples, as well as for same sex couples. For couples who wish to reconstruct their relationships after one partner has been unfaithful, we offer help to both partners and to the couple as they work to re-create themselves and perhaps their relationship. Part of the process involves the major decision about whether or not to continue the relationship and whether it is possible to repair the damage resulting from the affair and begin the process of forgiveness. Remarkably, some couples are able to develop stronger and healthier relationships than they had before the affair, as a result of improved communication and understanding of each other’s needs through counseling.
Some of the most common questions asked throughout therapy are:
- “Once there has been so much damage can the relationship ever be solid again?”
- “How can I ever trust you again?”
- “Yes, you are making changes to improve and save our relationship, but are they permanent or sincere?”
- “How can you say you love me while, at the same time, you were deceiving me to be with another?”
- “Do you wantme, or just the whole package that comes with me?”
- “Should we stay together for the children?”
- “Can both of us change in ways that really matter?”
- The affair is a symptom of problems in the relationship. The discovery of the affair precipitates a crisis in the marriage (or relationship). The most threatening aspect is not the affair itself, but the feelings of betrayal and helplessness. An affair is a giant wake-up call for those willing to hear the alarm.
Counseling is also available for:
- Individuals whose relationships end as a result of infidelity, and who are having a difficult time moving beyond the experience.
- Individuals who want to assess their own individual contribution to the future of their relationship, and to understand the ‘meaning’ behind the affair.
- A partner who has ended an affair and wants to consider the advantages and disadvantages of revealing the terminated affair.
- Partners who have not confronted a mate with their suspicion of infidelity.
- Couples who are struggling with secrets, lies, and trust issues other than infidelity.
- People who want to make better sense of the infidelity they experienced in their own families when they were growing up, in order to avoid similar patterns of behavior in their own relationships.
- Couples who want to learn how to cope with the inevitable disenchantments of living together, before turning elsewhere to get their needs met.
Regardless of the final outcome of the journey that follows an incident of infidelity, the interim pain and multiple challenges of one of life’s greatest crises create an opportunity for change. People can either become stuck in the bitterness and regret or, after allowing themselves to experience and work through the wide range of emotions, move on to develop greater maturity, understanding and wisdom.
Therapy for Betrayal
Cheating or betrayal in relationships is, unfortunately, a widespread problem in our culture. Miami is a city with a unique multicultural and fast paced lifestyle, where much emphasis is placed on affluence, beauty and sexuality. The allure of these temptations can lead to difficult predicaments for certain couples, married or not. For some, a strong commitment and hard work are required to protect a relationship and maintain a healthy and fulfilling marriage or union.
“The devastation and anger resulting from an affair, can gradually evolve into mutual appreciation and compassion, and eventually into forgiveness. The ultimate goal is for couples to restore trust in one another and to live an honest relationship.”
Drs. Scholz and Scholz-Rubin report that many of the couples they’ve counseled as betrayal therapists acknowledge that the “new” relationship they develop is healthier and more satisfying than before. As painful as it may be,couples learn about themselves, each other and the unmet needs behind the affair through hard work in counseling which promotes understanding, communication, and mutual respect.
Common Issues Dealt With:
- How could he/she cheat on me and expect me to believe that he/she loves me? How do I know he/she is not staying for other reasons, especially financial and for the children?
- Our relationship is better now than ever. Even though I am happy about that, it does not seem fair. Why should the person who cheated benefit form my suffering? He/she is getting away too easy.
- Will I ever be able to recover from this? Will I ever be able to forgive or forget?
- Am I going crazy? One moment I cannot stand the sight of him/her and want to hurt him/her in any way possible. The next moment I cannot tolerate being separated from him/her and want to make love with him/her.
- What was I not giving him/her at home? How did I fail? I interpret my partner’s infidelity on my own inadequacies and shortcomings.
- Who is this person I married? Did he/she lie because of the affair or is the cheating just one indication of ingrained dishonesty in his/her basic character?
- Should I have known? Did I see, but not want to know? What were the signs? Was he/she trying to tell me?
- Did I want to get caught? What did I think would happen if she/he found out?
- How can I begin to control my obsessive thoughts? Hardly a moment goes by that I do not have flashbacks or vivid imaginations of what went on. I have no peace.
- How can I be honest with her/him without giving so much information that it hurts my partner more, after I have already caused so much pain?
- I told him/her it didn’t mean anything. Why can’t we just go back to the way things were before? Why do we have to keep rehashing things over and over?
- Unless we understand why this happened how do we prevent it from happening again? I cannot begin to gain back security in the relationship unless we can talk about what went wrong and learn how to fix it.
- How do I know that contact with the affair partner has stopped? What if the betrayal was with someone at work and my partner is exposed to that person on a daily basis? How can I tolerate that? Should the unfaithful person quit his/her job?
- How much do I need to share with my spouse about contact with the affair partner? What if she/he calls, e-mails, or if there is an accidental encounter? I feel like I am under a microscope and that I have to account for every move I make. Have I lost all rights? How long can I cope with it?
- It feels as if I have lost all rights. Because I am the guilty party I am expected to make all the changes to make our relationship better and that I am not entitled to make any requests or complaints to her/him. She/he does not seem to feel that she/he has to invest in the relationship until she/he is somehow fully paid back by me.
- Should there be a separation to diminish the intense feelings of tension, anger, frustration and devastation?
- How could he/she have acted so normal while he/she was so involved in the affair? How could he/she have sex with me at the same time as with the affair partner? Things seem normal now. How do I know it’s not still going on?
- After years of marriage how can I compete with the affair partner? What did she/he provide that I could not?
- How dare he/she feel any anger or frustration at me after all he/she has done to destroy our lives? He/she should be grateful that I’m still here.
- How can I ever trust him/her again?
- What constitutes and affair?
- What is worse, a sexual affair or an internet or emotional affair?
- What should I do if I suspect infidelity on the part of my partner?
- What are the signs that a marital affair is going on?
We would like to offer support and guidance as you navigate this unfamiliar, confusing and difficult journey.